Reintroducing Me to Me

Some days, I don’t love what I see in the mirror. Sometimes I want to throw my work laptop through the wall, or tell off one of my closest friends. Other days I just sit in bed and watch Brooklyn 99 for 12 hours straight without any human interaction. And that’s ok. 

Choosing to love the skin I’m in, the place I find myself, and the life I’ve created for myself means understanding that not every day is sunshine and daises and it’s ok to not be ok sometimes. 

I struggle like everyone struggles. I’ve had the same 16 year old looking face since I was 16 but I’ve changed infinitely in the last 10 years. Exhausting corporate life has jaded my spirit, heart break has hardened my heart, the world has beaten down the fire in my soul. When I start to become overwhelmed by life, I know I’m due for a good old self reflection session. 

I’ve realized over the years that each time I come to this turning point of self review, I have the opportunity to become reborn. It’s a chance to refocus on building my life to what I want it to be, to be closer to the person I dreamed of being as a child. I mean I guesssss I’m not going to be the first female NBA player but I can become a beautiful, confident, badass like I always imagined. 

The last few months have basically been a deep dive into my own thoughts and emotions. I had to re-train myself to feel again. How often do we mute or ignore our own intuitions and feelings for what the world tells us is appropriate instead? We’re told what, how, and when we should feel instead of simply feeling. Our inner monologues get drowned out by the white noise of society. 

At first all I heard was the world talking to me; Telling me that I’m so far behind in life. That maybe I should have gone to a better school and I would be making more money. That my relationship ended because I wasn’t good enough. That I don’t have the right to be happy. The world reinforced my every insecurity.

But eventually, when I was finally able to tune out the negative energy, and listen to the tiny whisper of a voice inside of me, I was surprised by what I heard. My soul was speaking up, telling me that I am strong even on the days I don’t want to get out of bed. It announced that I deserve to love and be loved, always. It reminded me that I earned the wonderful and abundant life that I have with my blood, sweat and tears. It declared that even though I am no where near perfect, I can still be every bit that beautiful, confident, badass I always wanted to be.

My soul reintroduced me to me. 

So while it’s ok to not be ok sometimes, it’s just as ok to take that bomb selfie when you’re 1000% feeling yourself, and smile a little too wide when the joy is just bursting out of you and fully embrace all the good that you know you deserve.