Reclaiming Memories
At some point this moment will become a memory. Most of the seconds in your life will blur into a general space, where you can’t really tell time apart. But then there are the pieces that stay with you and become an entirely different kind of memory, the kind that lasts forever.
Sometimes they’re the big, magical kind. Like when a sunset is so beautiful it takes your breath away, or a kiss so passionate it makes your heart skip a beat, or a dish so delicious that your mouth starts watering just thinking about it.
They’re woven in between the everyday memories of watching your baby wobble around the house almost falling into everything, and waking up to see your partners chest rise and fall as she snores gently and laughing hysterically at something silly your dog did 15 minutes ago that no one else saw.
No matter how significant you deem it, memories should, in theory, remain stagnant and untouched. They’ve already happened, and the past can’t be changed in present day. I’m still coming to terms with the idea that memories are simply snapshots. They capture one single point in the grand space of your life. That distinct event never changes again, but you do, constantly. The love in the photo is not any less real because we are no longer in love today. The sadness you felt at the time of loss is not diminished because it has faded over time. Memories hold so many emotions, but over a lifetime of experiences, the range of your own feelings will evolve and change. It won’t change what you felt at the time but it can change the emotion the memory evokes when you look back at it.
A once romantic recollection of an evening spent in the arms of a lover watching the painted skies dip behind the horizon, can now remind you of a lost relationship and bring you to tears rather quickly. That time you took a leap of faith off a cliff into the vast blue ocean below was anchored in anxiety and stress but reminiscing about it now could make you feel proud of your own bravery and journey of overcoming your fears. How you view actions that already took place is deeply affected by your current place in life, thus the same day in history may look dramatically different at age 25 than it would at age 65.
I am rarely alone for long, so most of my best memories in life are intertwined with someone else’s. The trips, the views, the food, the culture, the laughter, they all become wonderful shared experiences. What’s a lot less delightful is when an amazing trip is now contaminated in your mind because they remind you of someone or something that brought you pain. What’s downright awful is when a memory of a damaging event affects how you interact with others for the rest of your life. It would seem that there’s nothing to be done but let go and erase as many of these days from your thoughts as possible.
The thing I’ve come to realize though, is that every memory can be reclaimed. You might not be able to change the events of a certain day but you can redefine how you let it impact your life today and the emotions that come flooding into your mind when you remember. It’s easy to fall back into the emotions that envelop you when you think of those memories, but you can reframe almost anything into something beautiful.
I’ve been through few traumatic incidents in my life that have truly changed me fundamentally as a person. I used to let these small pieces of my life impact how I viewed myself, my worth and my life. One particular childhood trauma changed the course of my life without me even knowing. For many, many years I repressed the memory and almost forgot about it, but it was there, hidden, infecting my every decision. The day I decided to confront that experience and those emotions was the day I started to heal. That was the day I saw how deeply it had influenced my view of the world. That was the first day I could make a conscious effort to make my own choices, untainted by the sustained open wound. Will I ever get to the point of being completely grateful for the memories of struggle and hurt? Probably not 100% but the more I associate those memories with the feeling and story of overcoming, the more power I have over them.
There are destinations I’ve been struggling to write about because they remind me of something lost, but today’s the day I lay my claim to these memories as my own. I am empowered to feel the joy in the photos without feeling the sorrow. I am allowed to remember every picturesque scene without any hint of guilt. They are just as much my experiences as much as they are shared experiences so I have the right to reclaim them as moments of beauty, love, and happiness.
So look for content on Thailand, India, London, and Cuba as I set about reclaiming my memories. 🙂
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