What a difference one year can make, I could never have imagined the ways in which my life would be inherently altered, and yet the core of who I am, my soul, remains whole.

A year ago from yesterday was what I perceived as one of the worst days of my life. The conclusion of a relationship with someone who I thought was my forever person. It was the end of that version of the life I had envisioned for myself for the two years prior. Starting all over again loomed heavy in my mind. 

The first month was survival, getting through the day without being overwhelmed. I spent every second investing in myself in any way I could; writing letters that would never be sent, working through the things I didn’t want to hear with my therapist, going to the gym one/two sometimes three times a day just to get rid of my anxiety. I forced myself to spend time outdoors, attend gatherings with my friends, eat something daily. I knew it was not the end of the world, simply a closing of a chapter. Yet even when your mind knows, sometimes your heart takes a bit to catch.

First, I wanted to blame the universe. Why did you let me get to this point in my life to feel so unsatisfied and so alone? Lead me to this person who knowingly wasted years of my life? Then I wanted to blame that person. How could you do what you did to me, treat me like less than, and feel no shame? How could you rationalize the hurt you caused me for your own selfish desires? Then I wanted to blame myself. Who have you become that you enabled life to beat you down into this pitiful version of yourself? Where did your inner strength go? 

And then one day, like a lightbulb flickering on, shining light into the darkest recesses, I had my moment of clarity, the epiphany that changed the course of my life. It wasn’t a near death experience. I didn’t win the lottery or make some epic discovery. No new job, partner or circumstance entered my life. In fact I was just laying in bed, getting ready to sleep.  September 15th, after a not so good day, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I had been so focused on my desire to move forward that if I felt stagnant I felt it hard to accept my day, and myself. I talked a lot about finding self-love and could rationalize it, yet struggled to truly feel it. 

But at the end of that Thursday, where I did the bare minimum, when I didn’t feel like the world saw my best, though I felt sad at times, I still loved myself. I loved that version of me. I was proud of who she was, no matter what she accomplished. I wrote myself a letter that day to commemorate the illumination of my soul.  Without even really understanding how, I had forgiven my former selves for any shame and guilt I was holding onto. I had come to let go of the blame and resentment that held me hostage to my past and stopped me from participating in my present. I found peace without even knowing it. 

And I loved that feeling. So that’s how I choose to live the last year, unafraid of the journey of  life, feeling every emotion fully. I gave myself permission to have good days and bad. I stopped being fearful of the unknown. I made choices I would have never dreamed of a year ago. I made peace with the ugliest corners of my soul and fallen in love with myself over and over again. I’m inspired by my growth, let down by insecurity but picked myself up each time.  I became increasingly more vulnerable with myself and the world. I fell in love with a city across an ocean. I opened my heart to affection and allowed myself to embrace pain. I chased happiness. 

And while much of my last year has been about self growth, the biggest blessing this past year has been understanding the depths of love in my friends. family and community. I’m so eternally thankful; to my mom and dad, who don’t always know exactly how to help but offer their home as a place of refuge, encouraging texts when I say I’m sad and pictures of our dog to brighten my day. To my best friends who listened to me talk about the same things over and over and over until I was ready to move on. The same ones who answer anxiety driven texts at 3am or send me memes to wake up to, who see me at my worst and never give up on me. To my community who invited me to all the dinners/birthdays/weddings/baby showers//celebrations of any kind, including me in the memories that will last a lifetime. I am so beyond grateful that I am surrounded by all these beautiful spirits, some I’ve known forever and some who life waited to introduce me to until I needed them most. I can’t put into words how indebted I am to all of you for the ways in which you have helped me piece back together my heart and my soul. 

Growth is not linear. Healing is not linear. Life is not linear. The downs make the ups feel that much higher. Rain brings out the rainbows and darkness always gives way to the sunshine. I hold steady to the idea that life will perpetually be in a constant state of flux. From this year, to the next, the world will be exponentially different. My path will be infinitely divergent. I will be boundlessly transformed.  And yet, in the end, I’m simply grateful for the opportunity to awaken each morning and discover which version of myself I will be that day and love her no matter what.